i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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