**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
