Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
