I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
