Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
