is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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