i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
