i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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