i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
