so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
