Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
