i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
