mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
