I'm really into asian looking animals
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
