The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
