I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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