I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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