I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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