I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
