I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
