in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
