Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
