nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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