every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
