yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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