tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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