There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
