funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize