Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
