Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
