i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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