you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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