you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
