Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
