The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
