I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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