remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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