She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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