Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
