Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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