P.S. I can't hear my feet
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm just crazy horny about you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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