now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
