I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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