My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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