I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
