I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
