Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
