This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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