Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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