and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
