Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
