you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
