Cold hands, warm shart.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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