I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
