I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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